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Tuesday, April 3 

They Will Be By Later To Install The CO2 Meter On The Side Of Your Head

The Supreme Court has ruled that the EPA can regulate CO2 emissions.

In case you all missed your sophomore biology class, allow me to remind you that you emit CO2 every time you exhale. This means you are now subject to regulation by the EPA.

In light of this development, the following CO2 producing activities are banned:

  • Climbing long flights of stairs

  • Speeches by Al Gore*

  • Running, jogging, hopping, skipping, or jumping

  • Vigorous sex

  • The United States Congress

  • Long speeches at the Emmy Awards, Tony Awards, MTV Awards, etc.

  • No more professional sports. Have you seen how much they pant? Way too much CO2 being emitted there

  • The opera. The fat lady can't even sing to signal it's over

  • War. We can't have all those soldiers running around, polluting the environment with their CO2


The EPA reserves the right to add more activities to this list as needs arise.

*Unless he has purchased the appropriate amount of carbon offsets

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