I Am Huff Po

Frank J. at IMAO posted his response to a fisking of "I am John Doe". I was going to put some excerpts, but it's too good to not read the whole thing.

Dear Muslim Freedom Fighter/Patriot/Hero/Martyr/Brother,

You do not know me. But I act as lookout for you. You are my friend. And I am yours.

I am Huff Po.

I am flying my private plane. I am riding in my limosine. I have never ridden a bus. And the subway? Feh. That's for the little people. I am living in a gated community. I always use the VIP entrance. We'll probably never actually meet unless you're holding the door for me.

I am your flag-burner. I am your effigy-hanger. I am your high-calorie hunger-striker. I am your unshaven documentary-maker.

I am Huff Po.

I will never forget the example of the thoughtless, disruptive passengers of United Airlines Flight 93, and how racist it was of them not to just sit back on 9/11 and let the brave Muslims land the plane safely after the pilot... fell unexpectedly ill.

I will never forget those stupid, racist passengers and crew members who tackled the unfairly-accused, alleged "al Qaeda shoe-bomber" Richard Reid on American Airlines Flight 63 before he had a chance to explain that he was just using that match to find a dropped contact lens in the darkness by his feet. Perfectly understandable. Happens all the time.

I will never forget the racist over-reacting of actor James Woods, who pointlessly pestered a stewardess, claiming that several Arab men sitting in his first-class cabin on an August 2001 flight were behaving strangely. Sure, the men turned out to be 9/11 hijackers on a test run, but come ON! It was only a TEST! Who freaks out over a TEST?

I will march with a "Bush = Hitler" sign when Homeland Security officials ask me to "report suspicious activity". That'll show those Brownshirts!

I will mock my local police department's admonition "If you see something, say something". Yeah, I see something... a Nazi goon in a blue uniform!

I am Huff Po.

I will applaud your Zionist-conspiracy-hating, American-imperialism-bashing scholars.

I will donate to your misunderstood mosque leaders as reparations for the injustices your people suffered during the Crusades.

I will raise my voice against the subjugation of your women and religious minorities to greedy American corporate interests like Halliburton and Wal-Mart.

I will embrace your attempts to educate my children with your wisdom and different truths in our schools. YAY! Diversity!

I will link to your cool YouTube videos of American mercenaries getting what's coming to them.

I am Huff Po.

I will protest law enforcement initiatives to spy on your innocent tourists, cut off the meager funding that allows you to obtain food and medicine for your children, and disrupt the excercise of your bomb-related freedom of speech.

I will build tunnels under our borders and donate my lawyer's time if you run afoul of America's oppressive immigration laws.

I will eventually consult a dictionary about this "Sharia" thingy of yours, but right now I'm just too busy speechifying on the perils of global warming in my limo, charity dinners, DNC fund-raising pool-parties, the halls of Congress, our national monuments, the radio and television airwaves, and outside the President's ranch.

I will silence any cruel, right-wing criticism that might offend you. Mean-spiritedness is NOT free speech.

I will call in a few favors to assist your Beltway lobbying groups in moderate clothing so that they may air their many legitimate grievances. I will be right next to you shrieking "profiling" or "Islamophobia" if you don't get your way. Or maybe "Bush = Hitler". Man, I can NEVER get enough of that one!

I will put sensitivity above all else. Above safety, my family, my country, multiculturalism... No, wait... not that last one.

I will do whatever you want me to. Because I'm your friend. And I know you would never hurt me.

I am Huff Po.

Hey! What's with that explosive vest?